I have a confession.

Seeing this youth group team head off to Kenya is really hard for me to hear about, read about, think about. I wish so much that I could hop on a plane and go. Hard to see other people go where I long to be and where I'm working so hard to get. In your perfect timing, God, I will be there. It's definitely not my timing. Help me be okay with this team going and help me to be excited for them. It could change their lives.

My Life is Wrecked.

The day I saw the children at the orphanage in the middle of the slums of Nairobi, my life was wrecked.

The moment I met the kids of the baby center, my life was wrecked.

The day I had to leave all the kids I had gotten to know and love at the baby center, my heart was broken.

The moment I stepped on the plane to fly out of Nairobi, I knew I was leaving my heart in Kenya.

Today, as I sit in my room and look at pictures of me and Andrew and the other kids playing, the pain is still here. The sadness and brokeness for these kids and for the kids in the slums is 100% real and present. Not one day goes by that I don't think about them. That I dont think about the eyes of Jaccue, a little girl I spent some time with in Nairobi at the orphange. That I don't think about Andrew kissing my cheeks and Malachi sneaking in for a hug. That I don't think about Momo saying," I love you, Ashley. I love you Verrrry much." That I dont remember the look in Rony's eyes. That I don't remember the smile on Manu's face and hear Caleb's cry when I laid him back in his crib, when he longed to be held and loved.

When I felt God calling me to Kenya my sophomore year, I didn't know it included what I went through when I wasn't there. I didn't think about the pain from NOT being in Kenya. I thought about what I could do there and where God would use me there. I didn't think about coming home after actually going there. When I was in Kenya, I was so content. I felt at home. I felt like it's where I was supposed to be. I've questioned, well maybe I'm making this bigger than it is. Maybe I shouldn't be there. Maybe I should stop trying to get back. Maybe it was just a one time trip....I know it wasn't.

Thank you, Lord, for making these feelings of pain and sadness real to me everyday so I can't forget how you made me feel when I was there. Thank you for the tears over these kids. Thank you for reminding me that these children are all yours. You love them so much and are taking care of them. Thanks for allowing me to be a part of helping them, even though you dont NEED me, you still want me there. Help me as I go into this next step of life before trying to go back again. Help me remember there is a purpose in all of this....that your plan remains. Thank you for wrecking my life and for giving me the pain to remember why I am working so hard at getting to where I need to be....back in Kenya. Don't let me give up this dream you've placed in my heart. I know my passion and heart is from you. And you understand like no one else can. Help me remember my passion over the next 10 months while I go through cosmetology school. Never let me forget. Continue to press this on my heart.

10 Things I learned from Job today

1.Waiting is hard.
2. It's better to know God than to know answers.
3.Hope is important
4.God loves me like crazy and has good plans for me.
5.God is incredibly more powerful than any situation I might encounter.
6.Hope means we trust God even if we never find out why something happened.
7.Yielding means wanting to do whatever God wants, and saying prayers like, "God I'm willing to wait and hope, because YOU ARE MY GOD."
8.Pain is not always punishment.
9.God does great works too marvelous to understand.
10.I don't know why things have happened with my mom's health or why Kenya didn't work out, but "God has a purpose and plan. And that plan will always stand."

Update on life...

- I'm now enrolled in cosmetology school! I start April 13th at Vogue. I think this will be a good step for me. It only takes 10 months and I will have a way to support myself before going back to Kenya when I'm done. It's something I love doing and I'm just going to look at it as another mission field. God can use me wherever I am :) So excited for this new season in my life.
- Mom is home from Chicago. She got home last Saturday. She seems to be doing a little better. Adjusting at home always takes time. I think she was gone for almost 3 weeks this time, so we all have to readjust and get back in the groove. Pray that God will heal her. We will give him ALL the glory! I don't think she will be like this for the rest of her life. So we're just praying that God would do a miracle. Check out some of my pictures from chicago here.
- Zach is practicing like crazy for the high school play this month. He's so good at that stuff :) They're doing West Side Story this year, and I'm told it's going to be really good. Come see the play on the 27th! :)
- The house is a lot more quiet w/star gone. it's weird. That's all I have to say about that haha.
- I miss my kiddos at the baby center so much! All but four of the bigs kids from when I was there have families! How exciting. Praise God. Sarah and Mesh just recently went to families and now have a mommy and daddy that love them like crazy! I am so happy for them. Pray for Andrew, Esther, Malachi, and Joshua...that God would provide families for them. Andrew has a special place in my heart...we had a special connection when I was there. He's such a sweetheart. He's very shy and goofy. Esther has a very cool story. She was dropped of when one of our church teams were there and the caregivers asked them to name her. She is a very sweet and quiet toddler. You can usually find her with two of her fingers stuck in her mouth. haha. Malachi is such a character. He's hilarious, but always has a little grin on his face like he's up to something. My team nicknamed him "Old man malachi" because he has the face of an wise man. haha. Joshua has such an amazing smile. He's so sweet and is always smiling. It just lit up my day when I saw him. I could talk about these kids forever. I love them all and would give anything for them. They are all incredible! I know God has big plans in store for these children's lives. It was no mistake that he brought them to the baby center. And in the process of them finding families we got to love on them a little :)

Star

After months of going back and forth, we had to put our dog down today. She's been crippled since we got her and her health had just been declining in the past year. We were starting to see that she was in pain and could barely go to the bathroom outside by herself.

We got Star from pet refuge. We found her picture online and my mom, Kylee and I just said, " Aww we have to bring her home." So we went through all the procedures, which included bringing in our other dog to meet her before we could take her home...they had to see that they got along haha. I think we got Star when I was in 5th grade. Wow, I just realized how long she's been in our family. She would "sing" and howl when we did it along with her. She had such a beautiful coat of fur, but we would spend hours during the summer brushing her and end up with piles of fur. I remember in 6th grade I actually wrote a book on her. Remember those little white books we had to write stories in every year? Yep, one of those was titled "Star."

So today my family sat in the living room and said goodbye to Star. Im so glad she's not in pain anymore. It's been a tough day, so I just wanted to remember some good things about her and try to forget about the day. Under Star's picture on the website, a little poem was written...
"Star light, Star bright. Wish I may, wish I might." Idk what that has to do with anything but it was cute under the picture of a baby pomeranian :) haha. We'll miss Star, but it's good to remember the fun times we had with her.

p.s. I can't believe I just wrote a whole blog on my dog lol. But the pic above was taken of us in January, when we were told to say goodbye to her. It's now March. We said goodbye for a long time haha.