My Life is Wrecked.

The day I saw the children at the orphanage in the middle of the slums of Nairobi, my life was wrecked.

The moment I met the kids of the baby center, my life was wrecked.

The day I had to leave all the kids I had gotten to know and love at the baby center, my heart was broken.

The moment I stepped on the plane to fly out of Nairobi, I knew I was leaving my heart in Kenya.

Today, as I sit in my room and look at pictures of me and Andrew and the other kids playing, the pain is still here. The sadness and brokeness for these kids and for the kids in the slums is 100% real and present. Not one day goes by that I don't think about them. That I dont think about the eyes of Jaccue, a little girl I spent some time with in Nairobi at the orphange. That I don't think about Andrew kissing my cheeks and Malachi sneaking in for a hug. That I don't think about Momo saying," I love you, Ashley. I love you Verrrry much." That I dont remember the look in Rony's eyes. That I don't remember the smile on Manu's face and hear Caleb's cry when I laid him back in his crib, when he longed to be held and loved.

When I felt God calling me to Kenya my sophomore year, I didn't know it included what I went through when I wasn't there. I didn't think about the pain from NOT being in Kenya. I thought about what I could do there and where God would use me there. I didn't think about coming home after actually going there. When I was in Kenya, I was so content. I felt at home. I felt like it's where I was supposed to be. I've questioned, well maybe I'm making this bigger than it is. Maybe I shouldn't be there. Maybe I should stop trying to get back. Maybe it was just a one time trip....I know it wasn't.

Thank you, Lord, for making these feelings of pain and sadness real to me everyday so I can't forget how you made me feel when I was there. Thank you for the tears over these kids. Thank you for reminding me that these children are all yours. You love them so much and are taking care of them. Thanks for allowing me to be a part of helping them, even though you dont NEED me, you still want me there. Help me as I go into this next step of life before trying to go back again. Help me remember there is a purpose in all of this....that your plan remains. Thank you for wrecking my life and for giving me the pain to remember why I am working so hard at getting to where I need to be....back in Kenya. Don't let me give up this dream you've placed in my heart. I know my passion and heart is from you. And you understand like no one else can. Help me remember my passion over the next 10 months while I go through cosmetology school. Never let me forget. Continue to press this on my heart.